When Teasing Crosses the Line

September 5, 2026

By Vivian LaMoore, Inaajimowin Editor

Being a teenager is hard. Friendships change. Feelings get hurt. Young people tease one another, argue and sometimes say things they wish they could take back. And, as Pennie Rubbelke, MSW, LICSW, of Mille Lacs Band Health and Human Services said plainly, sometimes kids can be mean — even cruel.

But there is a point where teasing, conflict or unkind behavior crosses a line into something more serious: bullying.

Bullying itself isn't new. What has changed dramatically is a young person's ability to get away from it.

“When I was growing up, we didn’t have social media. So, when we were bullied as kids at school, we were able to leave all of that stuff that happened at school there,” Rubbelke said. “With cyberbullying, you can’t escape it — it is there 24/7. People hide behind anonymous usernames. It’s pervasive and it is everywhere.”

For generations before them, home could provide at least temporary refuge. The school day ended, the bus pulled away and whatever happened in the hallway or classroom could often be left behind until the next morning. Today, a hurtful comment can follow a young person home on a phone. It can be shared, repeated and amplified, sometimes by people hiding behind a screen.

As students return to classrooms this fall, parents, caregivers, educators and young people themselves are once again navigating the complicated line between normal adolescent conflict and bullying — and learning how to recognize when a young person may need help.

Those who work with young people say one of the mostpowerful protections isn't complicated at all.

Make sure kids have someone they trust enough to tell.

BULLYING OR CONFLICT?

Not every disagreement between young people is bullying.

Teenagers argue. Friendships change. Feelings get hurt.

Young people sometimes say unkind things as they learn to navigate relationships, emotions and insecurity.

Bullying is different. Rubbelke describes it as saying or doing things intended to cause harm. It may be physical or verbal, and today it can follow a young person through texts, social media, instant messages and anonymous accounts.

Nay Ah Shing High School Principal Michael Gadbois said making that distinction is important.

“Nay Ah Shing takes bullying very seriously,” Gadbois said, noting that school policy prohibits physical and verbal bullying as well as bullying through technology. Reported school-related bullying is investigated by administration.

At the same time, Gadbois said bullying as defined by school policy is not prevalent at Nay Ah Shing. That doesn't mean students never disagree, hurt one another's feelings or make poor choices.

“Adolescence is a time when young people are learning how to navigate friendships, relationships, emotions, insecurity, and conflict,” he said.

The school's responsibility, he added, is to recognize problems and address them early rather than allowing them to grow.

ASK MORE THAN, “HOW WAS SCHOOL?”

Young people don't always tell adults when they are being bullied. They may fear retaliation, Rubbelke said. They may feel embarrassed or ashamed. Some may worry that telling an adult will make the situation worse. Others may simply feel they don't have a safe person to tell.

That means adults need to pay attention — and ask questions.

Rubbelke encourages parents and caregivers to look beyond grades, homework and performance and simply ask the youth how they are feeling.

Persistent bullying can affect nearly every part of a young person's life. Warning signs may include increased anxiety, symptoms of depression, trouble sleeping or concentrating, declining academic performance, frequent physical complaints, avoiding school, withdrawing from friends, or suddenly losing interest in sports and activities they once enjoyed.

Sometimes the change is difficult to describe. A child simply doesn't seem like themselves anymore.

Rather than waiting for a young person to say, “I'm being bullied,” adults can create opportunities for conversation.

How are things with your friends? Do you feel comfortable at school? Is something bothering you? How are you really doing?

And then listen.

“We as a society shy away from talking about how we actually feel,” Rubbelke said. “I think it is important that we start trying to bridge that.”

ONE SAFE PERSON CAN MATTER

Both Rubbelke and Gadbois returned repeatedly to the importance of trusted adults.

“It is hard to be a teenager,” Rubbelke said. “You need somebody you can go to where you feel safe and be authentically you and let it all out.”

Having at least one person who provides that safe place, she said, is one of the most important protective factors a young person can have.

Strong connections to family, community, culture, language and identity can also help young people build resilience. Those connections don't make someone immune from being hurt, but they help create a foundation of belonging and support when difficult things happen.

Gadbois describes belonging as central to student safety at Nay Ah Shing.

His number one responsibility as principal, he said, is keeping students safe — and safety means much more than preventing physical harm.

Students also need to feel emotionally and mentally safe. They need to know they belong, that they are respected and that the adults around them care about them.

“One of the things I tell students is that the hardest part of their day should be getting themselves out of bed and getting to school,” Gadbois said. Once students arrive at Nay Ah Shing, “it should be easy to be here.”

“They should be able to walk through our doors knowing they belong here, that they are accepted for who they are, and that the adults in the building are going to look out for them.”

DON'T STAND BY

Young people have a role in creating that environment, too.

When someone witnesses bullying, Rubbelke's message is straightforward: don't assume somebody else will take care of it.

“If you are seeing it in-person, call it out. Name it,” she said.

Cyberbullying can be more complicated, particularly when anonymous accounts are involved. Rubbelke recommends documenting what happened with screenshots, using social-media reporting tools and reporting serious concerns to the appropriate adults or authorities.

“We can't take that bystander stance,” she said. “We can't say, ‘Somebody else will report it.’ We have to report it.”

She compares it to seeing someone in trouble along the highway.

“You are not just driving by on the highway. You need to stop and help.”

At Nay Ah Shing, students are encouraged to report concerns to a teacher, counselor, staff member or administrator.

Reporting bullying is not “snitching,” Gadbois tells students. It is looking out for yourself and looking out for your peers.

WHAT IF YOUR CHILD IS DOING THE BULLYING?

Supporting the child who has been hurt is critical. But stopping bullying also requires adults to look at the young person causing the harm.

That doesn't mean excusing the behavior. It means asking another important question: Why is this happening?

“We don't know what is going on at home, or in their minds,” Rubbelke said.

A young person may be struggling with circumstances adults don't see. Some may have learned harmful behavior elsewhere or may use bullying to feel a sense of control when they feel powerless in other parts of their lives.

Rubbelke encourages parents who discover their child is bullying others to ask questions, seek professional support when appropriate and work to understand what is driving the behavior.

“There is no cookie-cutter answer,” she said. “Each individual situation is unique and we need to meet them where they are at.”

That philosophy also fits Nay Ah Shing's approach to discipline.

The school uses Positive Behavioral Interventions and Supports (PBIS) to establish, explicitly teach, reinforce, and recognize positive behavior. When students make a poor choice or violate a school expectation, the goal is to treat that situation as a teachable moment whenever appropriate. Students are asked to consider what happened, accept responsibility, understand who was affected, and determine how harm can be repaired.

Restorative circles may be used to address relationship problems or conflict and to strengthen classroom communities.

“We also use Restorative Practices,” Gadbois said. “Depending on the situation, that may involve a restorative conversation, collaborative problem-solving, a reintegration meeting, or a restorative circle involving several students.”

Circles are sometimes used when students are experiencing relationship difficulties, when there is conflict within a group, or simply as a way of strengthening relationships and building community within a classroom.

Gadbois said the circle process fits naturally within an Ojibwe school community because gathering in a circle, listening, speaking respectfully, resolving conflict and strengthening relationships are consistent with important community values.

The question becomes more than, “What rule did you break, and how do we punish you?”

Instead, he said, the school also asks: “What happened? Who was affected? What responsibility do you have? And what can we do to make things right?”

WHEN EMOTIONAL DISTRESS BECOMES MORE SERIOUS

Bullying can have serious and lasting effects on a young person's sense of safety, belonging and self-worth. In some cases, young people may experience significant depression, anxiety, trauma, or thoughts of self-harm (cutting, burning, self-hair pulling) and even suicide.

But Gadbois cautions against assuming bullying alone causes suicide.

“Suicide is complex,” he said.

Young people may simultaneously be dealing with mental-health concerns, relationships, family circumstances, trauma, social pressures, isolation and other struggles that adults may not see.

“That is why I believe suicide prevention has to be broader than bullying prevention,” Gadbois said.

At Nay Ah Shing, statements about self-harm or suicide are taken seriously. Gadbois said adults should not try to decide whether a young person “really means it” or is simply looking for attention.

“When a young person communicates that they may be in danger, we respond as though it matters — because it does.”

Rubbelke believes adults who regularly interact with young people — including parents, teachers and coaches — could benefit from additional training to recognize early signs of depression, anxiety and emotional distress and learn how to have difficult conversations without shame.

MEETING THE MENTAL-HEALTH NEEDS OF YOUNG PEOPLE

For Gadbois, bullying prevention is part of a much larger challenge facing schools: supporting the mental and emotional health of young people.

“In my opinion, one of the greatest challenges facing schools today is meeting the mental-health needs of young people,” he said.

The need is significant, he said, and many communities simply do not have enough mental-health providers or timely services available. Even when services exist, connecting a

student with the right provider, specialty and level of care can be difficult.

“If there is one area where I believe Nay Ah Shing — and schools everywhere — could improve, it would be finding ways to make more mental-health support available to students within the school setting. Although we do have mental health service providers come to the school once a week, it is simply not enough," Gadbois said.

Ideally, he said, schools would have access to a range of services because the needs of individual students vary. One student may simply need a trusted person to talk with, while another may need counseling or more intensive clinical support.

Schools cannot solve the mental-health crisis alone, but Gadbois said they are in a unique position to recognize when a young person may be struggling. Teachers and other school staff see students regularly and may notice changes in attendance, academic performance, friendships, behavior or demeanor that signal something is wrong.

Sometimes, the first step toward getting help begins with an adult noticing.

Mental-health services are available within local schools. Rubbelke said the Mille Lacs Band Health and Human Services Department contracts with Northern Pines Mental Health Center to provide therapists in the Onamia, Isle, and Nay Ah Shing schools, helping make support more accessible to students where they spend much of their day.

And whether the concern is bullying, anxiety, depression, problems at home or something else entirely, both Rubbelke and Gadbois return to the same protective factor: relationships.

“That is why relationships matter so much,” Gadbois said.

YOU BELONG HERE

Ultimately, Gadbois said, one of the most important things a school can do is make sure every student understands one simple message:

“You belong here. You matter. There are adults who careabout you. And when things are difficult, you do not have to face them alone.”